When I was pregnant, I spent 99.9% of my time watching people give birth/ taking care of their babies.
I read all the articles, and thought I knew all there was to know about life after delivery. I’ve never been so wrong in my life. I found myself thinking all the time “why the HECK wouldn’t anyone have warned me about this?” In all the classes, articles, and talks with the doctors, I was still completely caught off guard! So, I thought why not warn you guys so you don’t have to go through the same thing?
Stool Softeners, Stool Softeners, ALL OF THE STOOL SOFTENERS!!!!!!!
You’d think that after pushing out a human being, all the painful parts would mostly be over, right? No. It’s a lie. That first bowel movement is the stuff of nightmares. What no one told me, was that after giving birth your body functions down there take a while to reboot. That means all the poo is just accumulating, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. (I know, TMI.) If you don’t get ahead of it and start taking those stool softeners immediately, then it transforms into this Godzilla compacted mess. It took me a good hour and a half and a couple of breakdowns to get through that. Sheesh.
2. Having a girl? Good luck!
Can you imagine coming home with your little girl, go to change her diaper, and WHAZAM there’s mucus and blood in there? If you’re anything like me then you’ll be ready to rush to the hospital! Turns out girls grab a couple of your hormones on the way out. You get to deal with a mini period and discharge…YAY. If the fact that there’s a mini human for you to take care of didn’t freak you out enough, here’s more weirdness. Whoopie!
3. The naps never end. Ever. Except when you’d like to nap as well.
I swear I’ve never seen a human being sleep as much as my daughter did when she was first born. It scared the crap out of me. She slept 18 hours a day! It sounds blissful until you realize that the 6 hours she was up were almost all at night. When I wanted to sleep. Of course. I mean who needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak, and my daughter of course.
4. Their skin falls off.
Sounds so freaky right? Well it looks as bad as it sounds. My daughter must have shed for about two to three weeks straight. She’d leave these huge flakes everywhere we sat (ew.) It creeped me out. What was worse was that everyone tells you not to pick it. My OCD couldn’t handle it though. Not a very proud moment for me. I looked like those monkeys that always pick bugs off each other. Not cute.
5. In case you’re not freaked out enough, they stop breathing. A lot.
Newborn babies still haven’t regulated their breathing a lot of the time, so you’ll hear them just stop breathing for a few seconds sometimes. Let the new mom freakout commence. Oh, and good luck trying to get some good sleep while listening to make sure your baby isn’t asphyxiating next to you. It’s honestly kind of terrible.
I like to think of all this stuff as mommy hazing to see what we’re made of. Us mamas are the strongest things on earth. I mean, that’s why men can’t be mommies, they don’t have the balls!
